Yes Virginia, there is a War on Christmas

At this glorious time of year when Americans give thanks for being loved by a white God, we all face the nagging fear of otherness. And when I say “all,” you know if that excludes you. I am speaking on behalf of Christmas loving people, some of whom may actually not be white.

Christmas is our sweet savior JESUS CHRIST’s way of reminding us that lights and ornaments and brightly wrapped gifts are reserved for Christians. It is of course unavoidable that “others” will also be reading this. In the spirit of fairness which Christmas instills in all Christians, I would like to extend my hand – and gently push you in the direction of another continent where your sort are tolerated.

We have all seen Sharia law used to settle cases where outside agitators have sought to legitimize Satanic phrases such as “Happy Holidays,” and “Season’s Greetings.” And it’s a well-known secret that Democrats and atheists are funding hidden labs in Iran where they are cloning Sharia lawyers even as we speak. Scud missiles are aimed at our great American malls, intent on the destruction of the holy tradition of capitalism. Rumor has it, and I know it to be a fact, that the missiles are painted with Arabic slogans which are direct translations of heathen phrases like “Happy Kwanza,” and “Celebrate Saturnalia.”

Yes, Virginia, there is a war on Christmas, and it’s high time we privatize Social Security and Medicare so we can free up those precious resources as we fight back. And your little Johnny and Sally are just being indoctrinated with hate-filled teachings on evolution and civil rights in their near-Communist state-run public schools, so we may as well defund them too. I say, let’s make America safe for Christmas again! Let’s pray in our children’s classrooms at the beginning of each lesson, or let’s close down those schools and sentence the principals and teachers to a joyless life of foreign films, vegan food, and because you asked for it, diversity.

Only when we have made it clear that America will not tolerate Christmas hating homos and ACLU commies, will we know the gentle love of Jesus. I say “Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year so you can celebrate another Merry Christmas!” I can tolerate “Happy Hanukah” just a bit since you Jews hate Muslims too, but for God’s sake, quit spelling it with a “C!”